Praying for people

Today I prayed for women who came into a free healthcare clinic connected with my local church.  I am now part of an intercession team that offers prayer to women who desire that before or after their doctor's appointment.  Some come back solely for the prayer.  

And I suck at it.

I used to know how to do this--I have been on countless prayer teams, formed a college prayer group centered on dessert (if there's ice cream, they will come), gone through a prayer internship, and been a full time intercessor for years.  You would think I could pray for people.

And I can.  I do.  Prayer happens.  Worship happens.  God is glorified.  But secretly I think it's all a joke--me, who can barely get out of bed, offering people prayer!

But I hobble to and fro in absolute exhaustion, worship, feebly ask women if they would like prayer, and am shocked if they say yes.  

And I am jarred out of my selfish grief world.  And thank God that I have a car and not an abusive ex-husband.  And I continue to pray for them.  And start to ache for them, but then my heart saltily reminds me that I'm in way too much pain as it is, and to shut the hell up about these other people (my heart often has a potty mouth).  And I'm disgusted by my myopic self-centeredness in a helpless sort of way.

I've never been this weak before.

Today I arrived just as a mother, grandmother and little girl were being prayed for.  Afterward, as they waited for a prescription, the three-year old girl spied a stash of children's books and greedily grabbed an armful.  Girl after my own heart.  

She looked around, and caught my eye.  I smiled and offered to read them to her.  We read through a couple, and I became increasingly concerned by her lack of engagement.  I always try to involve kids as I read to them, and she would not point out where the crab was, turn the page, or really do anything.  She didn't say a word.  I know it doesn't seem like much, but I knew something was wrong.  From her eyes and a half dozen other things.  She was not in a good situation, and I could do absolutely nothing except pray for her.

I cannot relay how horrible it is to see children shut down and lifeless, and know that abuse is happening RIGHT NOW but that it will probably be years before it stops, and more excruciating years before God addresses it and they slog through the awful miry bog toward healing.  If at all.  I told another lady, and we prayed, and I'll keep praying.  Who knows what is going on.  Who knows what God will do because we prayed.

Oh but it grates on my soul.   Kyrie eleison.  Christe eleison.  

Jesus, you have such a brave heart to refuse to give up on this place where we live.  

Jesus, rescue the little girl with the old eyes.   Do your thing.  I love it when you do (actually, that's a complete lie.  I love it afterwards).

Gentle knead her soul into breathing.

asking

Well.  It's been a while since I've written, so I'm determined to write something.  

Asking.


Asking God for things.  


Jesus asks us to ask him for specific things.  Like when he asked a blind man what he could do for him (Matt 20, Mark 10, Luke 18).  And when Jesus asked the cripple by the pool if he wanted to be healed (John 5).
(I always thought those verses indicated a sense of humor, but now I believe Jesus was in earnest.  Drastic healing means drastic change, and voluntary change is never for the faint of heart.)


And of course, the famous, "Ask [in my name] and you will receive, and your joy will be complete (John 16:24)." For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened (Luke 11:10)," "For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened (Matt 7:8)."  And more.


God has asked me what I want during various conversations, and my typical response has been, "I want what you want."  I truly want what He wants, and believed that this was the right, holy answer.  It's also a pretty safe answer.


I still think that.


HOWEVER~~~~ 


It wouldn't be very fun if a father asked their four-year-old what he wanted for his birthday, and the kid replied precociously, "I want whatever you want to give me, Daddy."  


It builds intimacy to voraciously LONG for a red fire-engine and then receive it.  More fun for the parent, too.  There's no robotic qualities whatsoever.


So with God, He's been nudging me to ask for things I want.  Which is terrifying and difficult!
It challenges who we can truly say that He is (probably most important question of our lives).  Is my Jesus kind?  Does He care about my desires?  Are they submitted to him but not stuffed into deadness?


And after the courageous leap to ASK (for healing, for a nation, for strawberry bubble gum, whatever have you) comes.... the waiting.  [duh duh duh DAH. Beethoven's 5th]


I wonder if the hours in the Garden of Gethsemane were not harder for Jesus than the flogging. 
The anticipation, the AGONY... the waiting.


confusion and doubts and accusations sting like hail.  No wonder faith (being SURE of what we HOPE for) is called a shield.


Well, that's all I've got.  Being in the thick of things, I really don't have resolution except that 
1. God wants us to search after what's in His heart and ask him those things. 
2. God also asks us to ask Him for things that we truly desire.  He LOVES it, because this means that we trust his kindness towards us, and we HOPE in Him. This brings us closer to him.  
3. Waiting is a battlefield, and God is glorified when we dare to fully feel and ache with him.
4. We know Jesus in a unique, precious way when we wait for things we long for.  He's only been waiting, oh, several thousand years for his bride!

batter my heart

I can feel the deep, deep deep love of Jesus calling out my name, I'll never be the same

I've been marked by heaven forever and ever

I've been marked by heaven forever.

HOLY SONNETS--John Donne

XIV.

Batter my heart, three-person'd God ; for you
As yet but knock ; breathe, shine, and seek to mend ;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.

Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy ;

Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

Read this in high school. Loved it. And also loved the other piece by Donne (no man is an island...the bell tolls for thee... that one) --he totally had Connectedness for his top strength. :)

There's violence in love. When we sing, "He is jealous for me," just how far do we suppose that jealousy goes? God likes having us around--God came down for us--God wars for us--God died for us?

I get annoyed when people say things like, "God does not need anything or anybody. He is sufficient in Himself."

Yes, that logically theologically makes sense. He is GOD after all.

BUT the way that comes across is completely false--it's like a wife saying to her husband, "I don't need you. I'm fine by myself."

Yes, that's true. Even though it may not seem like it, humans can keep going even if something horribly awful happens, like the death of a spouse.

Yet we still say to each other, "I need you, I would die without you." That NEEDING is part of love, the binding.

Set me as a seal upon your heart, for love is as strong as death. (song of songs)

Infinitely more so, God doesn't need us to exist. But He loves us, He longs to gather us under his wing. God longs.

He needs us like a lover needs his beloved.

ruthless, audacious, unbelievable...

I'm reading Jeremiah and finished other prophetic books recently, and what struck me is the emotionality of God. He HATES what his beloved people are doing, it GRIEVES him, he sent this and that and YET THEY HAVE NOT TURNED!!

Again and again... he will STILL have compassion on them, they STILL turn away, but he will NOT abandon them, he will still relent and have COMPASSION, and love the harlot they've become, and there will be a BRANCH and a priest and a king....

May we never, ever, ever in all of our study of God, reduce this wild love to a remote God who doesn't let himself need anybody like a hermit. It's not like that.

Too often the technical (God is all-sufficient) has clouded an understanding of love. Our God is not a God far off.

What response is too radical to such love?

Moving into scary territory now. "Batter my heart, O three-Person'd God." "I tear my heart, I rip it open", "Arms wide open, heart exposed," "I want to KNOW Christ...and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings," "I've been crucified with Christ--it is not I who live, but Christ in me."

AAHH!! Last time I check, it HURTS to rip your heart open!!!!! to be crucified.

You'd have to be insanely in love.

Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

cry baby cry

I don't know what God is doing in me and it's frustrating.

I sobbed and sobbed at a Furnace prayer meeting, and wasn't sure why.   Was worshiping on the side when someone came up and said that he felt that God was telling me, it's ok to dance, to let your emotions out, no one's judging you, feel free to go in the back.  

And so I went and immediately began crying, and then weeping, all the while venting to God that I was so tired of crying, I didn't want to cry this hard, my mascara will look terrible down my cheeks, etc.  I truly didn't know why I was sobbing, but as the worship got more intense, I cried more.

Just more healing.  I think.... then it moved to a more intercessory song, and I was crying for the nations and for His glory to go forth.  Maybe it's both?  

I don't know.

Afterwards I was utterly exhausted, and still am.  I need to get up the energy to go to bed...prayer and weeping will really take it out of you.  

God what happens spiritually when I cry?

Could it be you're jealous of my tears?